are you a ‘bad gay’? when culture and community don’t connect
At the time of writing this article, Pride month is being marked around the world with parades, parties and moments of reflection on the strides our community has made through time. Pride’s overarching ethos is to celebrate the array of differences, idiosyncrasies and identities that make us beautiful. However all too often it feels as though divisions are drawn amongst us, by us, because of these same differences. It’s particularly true of the way in which members of the community choose to subscribe (or not) to the culture that comes with being gay.
As gay people, isolation, shame and guilt are common feelings we’ve likely endured at some point in our lives. Historically it’s been at the hands of a heteronormative, exclusionary society - but it’s true that the perpetrator can exist within the bounds of our own gay circles.
Culture is intrinsic to the gay community - whether it’s spending our weekends in sweat-inducing nightclubs, quoting a rolodex of Drag Race one-liners or having a folder of lime green BRAT memes on our phones. Why? It’s always been there for us, when others haven’t. In times of hardship it’s historically been a safe space to escape into, when we haven’t seen ourselves in (or related to) mainstream culture it’s provided a sense of representation, plus it acts as a natural glue between us and others like us.
But what about when the glue is missing? Some people don’t see any part of themselves even in gay culture - whether drag, pop music or clubbing - and it’s left them feeling on the periphery of a community which they belong to. They’re brandished - by themselves and others too - internalising the rejection of the culture they are supposed to be belong to, and shamefully labelling themselves ‘bad gays’.
We’re protective over it, too. Unlike other communities, gays have treated their culture as a safe space for escape, especially in the face of hardship. But it’s obvious that one strain of cultural practices isn’t going to speak for everyone – especially with the abundance of experiences, interests and opinions that sit under the gay umbrella. So why are we, members of a community that has been on the receiving end of division and judgement for decades, fueling a judging eye that separates us by denoting us as good or bad?
“I guess I feel somewhat of a bad gay because I’m not like the others I see or read about,” says 27-year-old Luke from Plymouth. He’s never watched an episode of The Real Housewives, hasn’t pledged allegiance to a pop diva and has never had a one night stand. “It’s probably why I don’t have any gay friends, because I just don't get any of the references.”
Looking back, Luke thinks that his detachment started when he didn’t formally come out - a typical experience that bonds so many of us together. “I didn't need to have that conversation, and I wasn't picked on or teased at school. I know I’m really fortunate in that sense, but maybe that’s why I can’t relate to others.” Noting that living in a smaller city may also inhibit his ability to partake in gay culture, Luke says he can’t watch other gays on social media without feeling a sense of missing out. “Surely there are gays out there with the same interests as me, you know?”
Similarly, 39-year old Jimmy believes his coming out experience affected the trajectory of his relationship with gay culture. “I didn’t come out until I was 30, so it feels like all of that passed me by a bit,” he explains. “I feel like a bad gay because I haven't been to Heaven or to Hoopla, I don’t know much about LGBTQIA+ music and I’ve never seen Drag Race.” Jimmy points out that he hasn't attempted to learn more about these areas to fit in, but has begun spending more time with new gay friends - many of whom he’s met at gayns - instead. “I’m gay, but it’s not something I lead with… I don’t think you necessarily have to be into the culture to be a member of the community.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Damian – who works as a journalist specialising in LGBTQIA+ issues – is exhausted by gay culture. “Culture is in my blood, but I’ve fallen completely out of love with it because I was spending all my time engaging in things I wasn’t really interested in, just to feel appropriately plugged in,” the 32-year-old says, explaining that his lack of connection with gay culture has left him feeling isolated from the wider community, despite most of his friends being queer. “When I go out, it’s hard to connect with others as one-liners and memes have crept into the dancefloor.” He even admits to gravitating away from some friendship circles “where a reliance on knowing everything considered mainstream queer culture was necessary to fit in”.
Justin Duwe is an award-winning psychologist, sexologist and author known for his work in men’s mental and sexual health. With over 18 years of clinic experience, he’s encountered the concept of the bad gay time and time again. “I work with a diverse range of clients - including those outside the LGBTQIA+ community - who also express feelings of inadequacy,” he explains, with his other clients describing themselves as “bad fathers” or “bad Muslims”. “This feeling, often recognised as imposter syndrome, manifests as a fear of being discovered as inadequate or not fitting a certain ideal, such as not being the “right type of gay.”
As Justin points out, the existence of the bad gay and the good gay are rooted in an irrational belief that there is only one, ‘correct’ way to live our lives and interact with the culture. The spirit of Pride month and its celebration of difference, however, brings us back to reality: this simply isn’t true. Instead, this belief is a response to the shame we as LGBTQIA+ people have been accustomed to feeling throughout history. Our voices, our experiences, and our identities have been silenced, ignored and questioned for decades.
“Our most intriguing qualities shouldn't be limited to what we do in the bedroom or our gender identity,” Justin explains. “This perspective isn't meant to downplay the significance of our sexuality, gender identity, or history, but rather to consider the valuable aspects of ourselves that aren't always given the same level of 'pride' or attention.”
It’s clear that some of us feel a disconnect between our sexuality and the mainstream culture it comes wrapped in – whether we’ve never related to it like Luke and Jimmy, or we’ve become overwhelmed by its fast pace like Damian. But this shouldn’t be a reason to label others, and we shouldn’t expect them to force a performative interest in gay culture which just isn’t there. Not subscribing to the social norms of music, tv and fashion tastes of our community doesn’t make anyone less deserving to exist in it. Yes, these commonalities may act as a springboard for connection – and make life feel a little easier sometimes – but the last thing we need as a community is more shame and judgement thrown around. So how do we stop it?
Justin says that as inherently social creatures, it’s crucial for everyone to find a group in which they belong. “What matters most isn’t that every person that identifies as LGBTQIA+ feels a connection to the broader community, but that they find a group in which they are connected and safe.” He goes on to urge members of the community to question themselves. Is internalised homophobia from shame and trauma in your past influencing your views and behaviours today? If so, it’s time to educate yourself on the rich, colourful diversity that exists within the community - and what better time to do it than during Pride month?
“Try to understand others' experiences and perspectives, and be supportive of the different ways people express their identities and live their lives,” Justin concludes. “Personal growth is key. Consider engaging in therapy or joining support groups to work through internalised shame and judgement. Building self-esteem and self-acceptance can make a world of difference.”
If you’re struggling with this internal conflict, here are three tips on overcoming guilt and shame this Pride:
Instead of focusing on the differences between you and someone else in the community, spend time exploring the things you have in common.
Be mindful of your internal dialogue. If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt and shame, you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel this way.
Don’t try and change yourself to try and fit in. Be authentic to who you really are!
Pride isn’t just about partying. There’s way more to fill your calendar with if a party doesn’t float your boat - think exhibitions, talks, fundraisers and even yoga.
To reach out to Justin visit his website: www.apc.limited or email APC_limited@outlook.com